The Thanksgiving Dilemma

November 19, 2016
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Okay, so for the last umpteen years you’ve been hosting Thanksgiving Dinner for the family. Aunt Minne and Uncle Howie, a bunch of cousins, and Grandma along with her cigar-smoking boyfriend are fully expecting to pull themselves up to your Bon Apétit gourmet turkey dinner with all the fixin’s, just as they always have, enjoying your hard work and delicious food. This year, however, things have taken a dark turn. You’ve been reading their Facebook posts since last April, the ones demonizing Hillary for being a lying murderer who has sex with animals, the ones asking for donations for the Trump campaign so they can Make America Great Again, and more especially the ones supporting the deportation of Muslims and those Mexican immigrants who are stealing our jobs and eating our children. When you thought that Trump couldn’t possibly win you were sure you could deal with them, but now….

Suddenly, you know that you won’t be able to bear watching these horrible people wolf down your chestnut/truffle/panko stuffing and pumpkin praline cheesecake without pushing their greedy, ignorant faces into their plates. Hoping that they’ll all choke on the brussel sprouts isn’t your Highest Self, and you know it, but your holiday spirit flew out the window as soon as the Trump kids started splitting up the White House silverware and stomping on Michelle’s chard and cucumbers. Now you’re anticipating the longest afternoon of the year watching a football game you care nothing about while trying to make nice with the enemy, people you used to consider family, but who will be emboldened by their electoral victory to let it all hang out. What to do, what to do?

Perhaps it’s time to choose a new family for yourself comprised of like-minded friends. Why tie yourself to the randomness of your DNA chain, to blood relatives who could blithely watch their own  neighbors being frog-marched onto deportation buses, when you can enjoy sparkling, intelligent conversation with wine-loving liberals who have suffered through this recent election cycle right along with you, kind-hearted people who have not succumbed to the normalization of evil? Just a thought. Or how about inviting a nice Muslim or Hispanic family to sit down to dinner and acting as if we’re all Americans? Oh, wait, we are…

Of course, you have to give these people, the ones who wanted change badly enough to put a fascist into the white House, a taste of what it really means to ‘shake things up a bit,’ which requires that you make a few phone calls. Here’s a draft of what that might sound like, and we invite you to copy it word for word, or make up your own:

“Hi, (insert name of Trump-supporting relative or former friend here), I was just calling to tell you that we will not be having Thanksgiving at our house this year, so I hope you have time to make other plans. We just don’t feel up to it. I’m sure you understand.” No apologies, no explanations, just the facts, Ma’am. It would be understandable, and no doubt tempting, to add that the Khan Family or the Martinez Family had invited you over to their place for Halal lamb and turkey kebabs with a side of cranberry chimichangas, but there’s really no need. Your family already suspects that you are a sore loser and a bleeding heart liberal, and as they’re all stuffed into a booth having their last-minute Thanksgiving Dinner at Denny’s they’ll be able to enjoy making up stuff about you and bad-mouthing you behind your back. News flash–they used to do this even after you made them fabulous dinners every year and sent nice Christmas presents to their spoiled kids, so don’t worry about it. Go have the Trump-free holiday you deserve and blame it on us at FemaleOutrage.com. You’re welcome.

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